


Starsky And Hutch Are Guilty

by LilyK



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:55:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29143335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: Two men impersonating Starsky and Hutch go on a crime spree and the boys get the blame for all the mayhem the dopplegangers are creating.
Collections: Starsky & Hutch Original Series Transcripts





	Starsky And Hutch Are Guilty


    STARSKY AND HUTCH ARE GUILTY
    
    Season 2, Episode 25
    
    Original Airdate: April 16, 1977
    
    Written by: David P. Harmon
    Directed by: Bob Kelljan
    Created by: William Blinn
    
    Summary: Two men impersonating Starsky and Hutch go on a crime spree and the boys get the blame for all the mayhem the dopplegangers are creating.  
    
    Cast: 

David Soul ... Det. Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson

Paul Michael Glaser ... Det. Dave Starsky

Antonio Fargas ... Huggy Bear (credit only)

Bernie Hamilton ... Capt. Harold Dobey

Val Avery ... Capt. Ryan

Lauren Tewes ... Sharon Freemont

Michele Carey ... Nikki

Jeannie Bell ... Kate (as Jean Bell)

Shera Danese ... Judith Coppet

Gary Epper ... Hanson

Suzanne Gormley ... Nurse Cathy Corbett

Scott Jarvis ... Policeman

Don Keefer ... Eric Ronstan, Esq.

Sy Kramer ... Lennie Atkins

Dorothy Meyer ... Mrs. Marlowe

Henry Sutton ... Mr. Klemp

Kipp Whitman ... Simmons

Mary Jo Catlett ... Fifi
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Seedy Hotel**
    
    SIMMONS: Hey, Oscar. Come on, Oscar, open up. This is Starsky!
    
    OSCAR: Hey, wait a minute, baby. I'll be right there.
    
    SIMMONS: We're wasting time. Hutch, kick it in.
    
    OSCAR: Hey, what do you guys want from...? Hey, please, no more! Hey! Please, no more, please!
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Police Precinct**
    
    HUTCH: For a hard-nosed cop, you're not doing your image any good.
    
    STARSKY: When I was a kid, he was a contender.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah? 
    
    STARSKY: Don't change the subject. Do you trust me or not?
    
    HUTCH: With my life, yes. With your choice of women, no.
    
    STARSKY: I told them we'd meet them at eight.
    
    DOBEY: Starsky and Hutchinson. I have Chief Detective Ryan in my office. He wants to see you two.
    
    HUTCH: Not again, Captain.  
    
    STARSKY: He ate us out already.
    
    DOBEY: I don't blame him. You're getting a commendation, an invitation to speak
    to the graduating class at the academy, and you tell them to forget what they've been taught.
    
    STARSKY: Got a lot of laughs.
    
    DOBEY: Not with Ryan.
    
    HUTCH: Well, I thought it was funny.
    
    STARSKY: He's a worse critic than Ryan. Captain, Ryan's been on our back for three years.
    
    HUTCH: A lot longer than that, Starsk.
    
    DOBEY: Are you finished?
    
    HUTCH: Captain, we have a lot of respect for Chief Ryan, but he doesn't like the way we dress, he doesn't like the way we comb our hair, he doesn't like the way- We're in trouble, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Big trouble?
    
    RYAN: I'd say so.
    
    DOBEY: Oh, Chief, I was just bringing my men in to see you.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Dobey’s Office**
    
    RYAN: Do you know a character named Oscar Newton?
    
    HUTCH: Oscar? 
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. 
    
    HUTCH: Sure we do.
    
    RYAN: When's the last time you saw him?
    
    STARSKY: This afternoon.
    
    DOBEY: Exactly what time?
    
    HUTCH: Well, if you'll hold on a second, I'll get it for you.
    
    STARSKY: Something wrong?
    
    RYAN: What do you know about him?
    
    STARSKY: He's a, uh, junkie. Takes a few tips, turns over a few hot items, nothing big. Makes enough to feed his habit, keep off welfare.
    
    RYAN: A real upstanding citizen that you never busted.
    
    STARSKY: That's right. We bust him, what does he get? Thirty to 60 days to dry out. He's worth more to us on the street. He's a good snitch. I know you don't approve, Chief, but that's the way a cop's gotta operate these days.
    
    HUTCH: Here you go, Chief. Arrived at 2:55 p.m. And left at 3:10. Now, what about Oscar?
    
    DOBEY: He was worked over by two men.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    DOBEY: He's in the County General in critical condition, in a coma.
    
    STARSKY: Got any leads?
    
    RYAN: Two cops.
    
    HUTCH: What? Who's that?
    
    RYAN: I'm looking at them.
    
    STARSKY: If that's a joke, no one's laughing.
    
    RYAN: It's no joke, not this time. This time, you got sloppy. We got two witnesses.
    
    STARSKY: I don't believe this.
    
    HUTCH: Chief, do we have a right to know who those two witnesses are?
    
    RYAN: They already gave sworn depositions. We warned them that you two might want to talk to them. We also promised them complete protection in case there are any overt or veiled threats against their person.
    
    DOBEY: Now, wait a minute, Chief. You're acting like my men are guilty before they've had a trial.
    
    RYAN: They're my men, too, Captain. Believe me, Starsky and Hutchinson's rights
    will be protected, and I promise you, we'll go by the book that they so constantly ignore.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Cozy Corner Cafe**
    
    HUTCH: Uh, Mrs. Marlowe?
    
    HUTCH: Hi. 
    
    MARLOWE: Captain Ryan said you two would show up.
    
    STARSKY: Yes, ma'am. Ah, Mrs. Marlowe, would you take a good look at us, please?
    
    HUTCH: A real good look.
    
    MARLOWE: So?
    
    STARSKY: Well, you told Captain Ryan that you saw us this afternoon, across the street.
    
    MARLOWE: That's right. At 3:00. Driving that car. You left at 3:30.
    
    STARSKY: Excuse me, ma'am, I think there's some mistake. You see, we did arrive at 3:00, but we left at 3:10, not at 3:30.
    
    HUTCH: That's right.
    
    MARLOWE: Look, honey, maybe you can fool the people downtown, but I know what time you left. It was 3:30, and all your talk can't change that.
    
    HUTCH: Look, Mrs. Marlowe, no offense meant, but is there any reason why you're so positive that you're right about the time and that we're wrong? Huh?
    
    MARLOWE: That's easy, because it ain't me you're calling wrong. You think somebody's wrong about the time, then you go talk to the TV.
    
    STARSKY: To the TV?
    
    MARLOWE: That's right. Because when I was washing my windows, I was listening to the TV inside, The Edge Of Night. It was just going off, and I missed the end of it because you went squealing away from here in that car. Now, I saw that car, and I saw you!
    
    STARSKY: Yes, ma'am. Thank you. There's no use arguing with the TV.
    
    HUTCH: Nope.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Seedy Hotel**
    
    ATKINS: Yes?
    
    HUTCH: Mr. Atkins?
    
    ATKINS: Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: Police, sir. May we come in? Thank you.
    
    STARSKY: Thank you, Mr. Atkins. I presume Captain Ryan told you that we'd be stopping by.
    
    ATKINS: I spoke to some officers this afternoon, right before the ambulance left
    with Mr. Newton. Is he okay?
    
    HUTCH: He's still in a coma.
    
    STARSKY: Mr. Atkins... I'm Detective Starsky. This is Detective Hutchinson.
    
    HUTCH: Mr. Atkins? Have you seen us before?
    
    ATKINS: No, sir.
    
    STARSKY: Well, you told the officers that you had.
    
    ATKINS: I... l... I didn't really tell them what I saw. I told them what I heard.
    
    HUTCH: What you heard. What did you hear?
    
    ATKINS: W... Well, it was two guys that came running up the stairs. They pounded on the door, and then they kicked it in.
    
    HUTCH: Well, why would you assume that was us?
    
    STARSKY: Well, there must be something.
    
    ATKINS: Well, you said, "Come on, Oscar. Open up. It's me, Starsky," and then you said some other stuff, and then something like, "Okay... kick it in, Hutch."
    
    STARSKY: Those exact names?
    
    ATKINS: I had to tell them what I heard. I'm sorry. I could tell them I made a mistake, if that's what you want. I mean, who could tell? I could have gotten
    a lot of names mixed up.
    
    HUTCH: Mr. Atkins, you just tell us the truth. That's all we ask.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Seedy Hotel**
    
    STARSKY: Doesn't make any sense. That guy Atkins is so scared, he'll say anything we want. He really thinks we're the ones that busted up Oscar.
    
    Hutch: Yeah, he's scared, and that lady across the street is too hot to be acting. Something's going on.
    
    
    **Interior – Night - Motel**
    
    SIMMONS: You want to go to a hockey game?
    
    HANSON: Nah, I don't want to see those bums play.
    
    SIMMONS: You don't want to go to a hockey game. You don't want to watch TV. You don't want a beer. 
    
    HANSON: (on phone) Hello? (end) 
     
    SIMMONS: Give me that. (on phone) Yeah? Yeah. Hey, we get paid to follow orders.
    No, we didn't leave any fingerprints. (end)
    
    HANSON: We should have bounced a gun butt off his head.
    
    SIMMONS: Shut up. (on phone) Yeah. I understand. (end) We're to stay by the phone.
    
    HANSON: Why? What's wrong?
    
    SIMMONS: That junkie we roughed up, Oscar Newton. He's a lot tougher than he looked. He's still alive.
    
    
    **Exterior – Night – In the Torino**
    
    
    RADIO DISPATCHER: Zebra 3, Zebra 3. See the owner of the house at 1328 Devon.
    Complaints from neighbours. Possible prostitution activity. Repeat, see the owner of the house at 1328 Devon.
    
    HUTCH: This is Zebra 3. We are responding.
    
    
    **Exterior – Night – 1328 Devon**
    
    STARSKY: I'd still feel better if we were out chasing the guys that beat up Oscar, rather than rousting hookers.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky, we'll get them. Just remember, this is the part called earning our daily bread.
    
    STARSKY: After you.
     
    
    **Interior – Night - 1328 Devon**
    
    KATE: Hi.
    
    STARSKY: Hi.
    
    KATE: Excuse me. Anything I can do for you two fellas?
    
    STARSKY: Well, some friends said we might come here and have a little fun.
    
    KATE: Well, you came to the right place.
    
    STARSKY: Good.
    
    KATE: Won't you come over and make yourself comfortable.
    
    HUTCH: Thank you.
    
    STARSKY: Okay. Like to sit down there?
    
    HUTCH: Thank you.
    
    STARSKY: Hi there. Hello. How are you doing...? Whoop.
    
    NIKKI: Kate, you ninny! They're cops, not tricks.
    
    KATE: You're cops?
    
    STARSKY: Afraid so.
    
    HUTCH: Sorry.
    
    NIKKI: Kate, sweetheart, go do your nails.
    
    KATE: I've done my fingernails. 
    
    NIKKI: Then go do your toenails. Girls.
    
    KATE: I'm sorry, Nikki.
    
    HUTCH: Good night. Hiya, Nikki.
    
    NIKKI: Are you gonna bust me?
    
    STARSKY: Well, that all depends on you, Nikki.
    
    HUTCH: You see, uh, there've been some complaints from the neighbours.
    
    NIKKI: Well, I hear that you two have gotten smart.
    
    STARSKY: Well, what is that supposed to mean?
    
    NIKKI: How much will it take to keep me open?
    
    HUTCH: Oh, come on, Nikki.
    
    NIKKI: The word on the street is that you two are on the take.
    
    STARSKY: Well, we're building ourselves quite a reputation.
    
    HUTCH: The word on the street is wrong.
    
    NIKKI: I should have known it was too good to be true.
    
    STARSKY: Time to be moving on, Nikki.
    
    NIKKI: All right. The girls will be out in an hour. I'll pack up and be out
    in the morning. Okay?
    
    HUTCH: Okay. But if you come back, we'll be back. Okay?
    
    NIKKI: Uh, even though it is bad for business, I'm glad the word on the street is wrong. It would be such a shame to see you two turn rotten.
    
    STARSKY: Thank you, Nikki, but that doesn't change anything about you moving.
    
    NIKKI: Like I said, you'll see a "For Rent" sign tomorrow morning. I'm already
    turning out the lights. Uh, Hutch. Do you want me to send you a card with my new address?
    
    HUTCH: No.
    
    
    **Exterior – Night - 1328 Devon**
    
    HANSON: How does it look to you?
    
    SIMMONS: I don't see anybody.
    
    HANSON: Okay, let's make it.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – 1328 Devon**
    
    NIKKI: Hey, what are you doing? You said I had until tomorrow.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Squad Room**
    
    STARSKY: Nikki, what happened to you?
    
    NIKKI: Like you don't know.
    
    HUTCH: Like we don't know what? What are you talking about? Nikki, all we asked you to do was to shut down.
    
    NIKKI: Yeah, and I heard you, both times.
    
    DOBEY: Starsky, Hutch. In here.
    
    
    Interior – Day – Dobey’s Office
    
    RYAN: (on phone) Right. Look, call me at my office. I'll be in all day. (end)
    
    STARSKY: Chief.
    
    RYAN: Working over a junkie is one thing, but when it comes to women...
    
    STARSKY: What's he talking about?
    
    RYAN: That women out there has filed a complaint. She said you two came to her place last night and beat her up.
    
    DOBEY: Starsky. Did you two see her last night?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, we did. But she was fine when we left.
    
    RYAN: Yeah? Well, we have her signed statement. This time, Captain, I expect you to relieve them of their duty.
    
    DOBEY: On the complaint of a hooker? Don't they get a hearing?
    
    RYAN: She may be a hooker, but she has her rights. If she's breaking the law,
    then she should be arrested, not worked over.
    
    HUTCH: Chief, let me try to explain...
    
    RYAN: If you two had any decency or respect for the force, you'd resign right now.
    
    STARSKY: Don't hold your breath.
    
    RYAN: What's that?
    
    STARSKY: Nothing.
    
    HUTCH: Well, that's three. Captain, we're being framed.
    
    DOBEY: Why? Just give me one reason.
    
    HUTCH: I don't know why! If I knew why- I wouldn't be shouting.
    
    DOBEY: Twenty-seven years on the force, God knows I've had my situations like this… but you gotta hang in there. These things have a way of working themselves out.
    
    STARSKY: Why does that sound like something Nixon might have said to Haldeman and Ehrlichman?
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Squad Room**
    
    STARSKY: (on phone) Starsky. Hi, Sharon. No, no, no, no, no, I didn't forget, only… Okay, but I gotta make it fast. Yeah. Yeah, right away. (end) Sharon down in the DA's office. I've got to give a deposition in the Ronstan case.
    
    HUTCH: Your terrific flasher case. Can't that wait? We've got files to go through here. There's got to be a wacko out there somewhere.
    
    STARSKY: I've been putting her off for a week. Look, she has to go to trial or drop it. See you at your place later.
    
    HUTCH: Don't get lost.
    
    STARSKY: How can I? Somebody's got us fingered every minute of the day and night.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Venice Place**
    
    FIFI: (singing) Oh, hi. 
    
    HUTCH: Fifi. Uh, Fifi… I thought I told you I could only use you once a week here.
    
    FIFI: Oh, well, I was jogging, and there was your apartment, so I thought I'd come by and finish up. Can I fix you something for dinner?
    
    HUTCH: Uh, no, I ate at the office.
    
    FIFI: Oh. Oh, I did the laundry.
    
    HUTCH: Fifi, those are my shorts. Look, um, Fifi, I, uh, I really appreciate your spending the time here to help me out, but I-
    
    FIFI: Your partner left that envelope.
    
    HUTCH: Which?
    
    FIFI: Right there.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky was here?
    
    FIFI: Uh-huh. He was here about an hour ago. He came by in that jazzed-up car of his.
    
    HUTCH: You saw him?
    
    FIFI: Yeah, I was cleaning the front window. I waved, but I guess he didn't see me. By the time I got off the stool and to the front door, he was gone. That was leaning against it.
    
    HUTCH: You're sure it was Starsky?
    
    FIFI: Yeah. His hair needed combing, but it was him.
    
    HUTCH: Uh, Fifi...
    
    FIFI: Oh... Uh...
    
    HUTCH: I... I hope I'm not rushing you.
    
    FIFI: Oh, that's okay.
    
    HUTCH: But I really do have some work to do.
    
    FIFI: Oh, you know, you shouldn't eat at your desk.
    
    HUTCH: Right, right, good idea.
    
    FIFI: Oh, my purse.
    
    HUTCH: Your purse. Okay. Purse… Thank you, Fifi.
    
    FIFI: Thank you.
    
    HUTCH: See you on, uh...
    
    FIFI: Wednesday.
    
    HUTCH: Wednesday. 
    
    HUTCH: Okay. Thank you very much. Bye-bye.
    
    FIFI: Bye.
    
    HUTCH: Yes, Fifi?
    
    FIFI: Here's your other pair of, uh...
    
    HUTCH: Shorts.
    
    FIFI: Mm-hm.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Freemont’s Office**
    
    STARSKY: Well, how about a little vino and fettuccini?
    
    FREEMONT: David!
    
    STARSKY: If you don't like fettuccini, how about a little goulash? My mother gave me a recipe straight from the old country. It'd knock your teeth out. What are you laughing at?
    
    FREEMONT: The thought of you toiling over a hot stove.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, it gives me great pleasure. After all, a guy's got to toil for his "goil."
    
    FREEMONT: We'll talk about it later. Right now, you're my main witness. Sit.
    
    STARSKY: Ah, work, work, work.
    
    FREEMONT: Now, David…
    
    STARSKY: Yes, Sharon?
    
    FREEMONT: This may not be important to you…
    
    STARSKY: It is.
    
    FREEMONT: But if I have to prosecute this case, I'd like to win it. But the guy's only a flasher, and a college kid at that.
    
    STARSKY: A flasher today, but if he isn't convicted and treated, what's he going to be tomorrow? Next week, next year. This is the third time he's been caught already, and who knows how many times he's already gotten away with it.
    If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, I think we ought to push it
    all the way.
    
    FREEMONT: I think you're right.
    
    STARSKY: Mm, of course you do. That's why you can't take your eyes off my body.
    What's it going to be?
    
    FREEMONT: Um, fettuccini. (on phone) Miss Freemont.
    
    STARSKY: Miss Freemont.
    
    FREEMONT: (on phone) Oh, hi, Hutch. 
    
    STARSKY: Hutch. 
    
    FREEMONT: Yeah, just a minute. He wants to talk to you.
    
    STARSKY: What do you want?
    
    HUTCH: Starsk, did you stop by my house about an hour ago?
    
    STARSKY: What, are you crazy? I was with you.
    
    HUTCH: No, I'm not crazy, neither are you, but we're both in big trouble.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Dobey’s Office**
    
    DOBEY: We lifted a set of prints off of the envelope the money came in.
    
    HUTCH: Can't wait to find out.
    
    DOBEY: They're yours. There's something else, too.
    
    STARSKY: Let me guess. They found a dead body in my closet. 
    
    HUTCH: With a bullet in the head from my gun. 
    
    STARSKY: My Cub Scout knife in his back.
    
    DOBEY: They put a tracer on that money.
    
    HUTCH: And?
    
    DOBEY: It's part of the 300,000 stolen from the Mandalay Heights Bank eighteen months ago, which never showed up.
    
    STARSKY: Partner, I got a feeling 10,000 of it just did.
    
    DOBEY: That's correct.
    
    HUTCH: Captain, you have to turn that in.
    
    DOBEY: I know what the rules are, Hutchinson.
    
    STARSKY: Captain, there's no reason for you to take this ride with us.
    
    DOBEY: I keep telling myself the same thing. How much time do you need?
    
    STARSKY: Thirty-six hours is a nice round figure.
    
    DOBEY: All right. All right, you got it.
    
    HUTCH: Captain, if Ryan finds out about this, you're going to be in for some problems.
    
    STARSKY: If Ryan finds out? Let me tell you something. I got a feeling he's behind this whole mess.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, come on.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Freemont’s Office**
    
    FEWWMONR: Oh, you're here already. I just stepped out to get something to eat. I was hungry, and I have to work late.
    
    RONSTAN: Look, I've got places to be. In a minute. I don't like to be kept waiting.
    
    FREEMONT: Then, Mr. Ronstan, I suggest you tell your flasher son to keep his pants up. There you are.
    
    RONSTAN: What's that?
    
    FREEMONT: Just a private record of our agreement.
    
    RONSTAN: With your ethics, you'll go far, Miss Freemont.
    
    FREEMONT: Well, let's just say I got tired of waiting for the Equal Rights Amendment to be passed. Mr. Ronstan, I realise that a junior partnership in your law firm is generally worth a great deal of money, but I think you'll find after I'm working with you that I'm quite capable. Even if I did have to use this back-door method to get in.
    
    RONSTAN: Now, tell me how this incredible scheme of yours is actually going to work.
    
    FREEMONT: I found a look-alike for Sergeant Starsky, a three-time loser who didn't want to go up again. Then we got lucky. He found someone who could pass for Starsky's partner.
    
    RONSTAN: You're really something.
    
    FREEMONT: That wasn't even the hard part. Have you seen the way those clowns dress? I had to hit every thrift shop in this city to get the right clothes
    for those guys.
    
    RONSTAN: You're sure it's going to work?
    
    FREEMONT: They'll never know what hit them.
    
    
    Interior – Day – Police Precinct
    
    FREEMONT: David.
    
    STARSKY: Hmm?
    
    FREEMONT: Hey, I've been looking for you guys. 
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. 
    
    FREEMONT: Look, I managed to reach most of the other deputy DAs, which wasn't very easy, this being a Saturday afternoon. I've been on half the golf courses in the city.
    
    STARSKY: Any luck?
    
    FREEMONT: Not a thing. They can't find any buried case where your testimony would be important enough to do this to you. All I've got's that flasher case.
    
    STARSKY: Nothing, nothing, nothing.
    
    HUTCH: Puts us right back to zero.
    
    FREEMONT: I'm sorry. I tried.
    
    STARSKY: It's not your fault.
    
    FREEMONT: I guess you've got too much on your mind for some fettuccini?
    
    STARSKY: Oh, uh, rain check?
    
    FREEMONT: Okay. Hey, I've gotta run.
    
    STARSKY: Bye-bye.
    
    HUTCH: Fettuccini, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Hmmm. Some of us got it.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    **Interior – Day – Squad Room**
    
    DOBEY: Miss Freemont was looking for you two. Did you see her?
    
    HUTCH: (on phone) Hutchinson. (to Dobey) What'd you hear from Ryan?
    
    DOBEY: Maybe good news.
    
    HUTCH: (on phone) I'm going to have to call you back. (end)
    
    DOBEY: His investigators say they might not have enough to take you to a trial board.
    
    STARSKY: What are you talking about? Ryan's got three witnesses.
    
    DOBEY: That's exactly what  I'm talking about. They're washing out. Nikki, the hooker, admitted under oath she took drugs that night, so her ID won't stick. That little guy that heard you at Oscar Newton's packed up and went to Detroit so he wouldn't have to testify.
    
    STARSKY: What about the lady across the street?
    
    DOBEY: They found out her vision is twenty-eighty. Her glasses were being fixed at the time.
    
    HUTCH: Well, it looks like we're off the hook, huh?
    
    DOBEY: For now.
    
    STARSKY: What do you mean "for now"?
    
    DOBEY: Well, like I told you, these things have a way of working themselves out, but somebody's gone to an awful lot of trouble to try to ruin you two. It may be too far to stop now.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Police Precinct**
    
    SIMMONS: (On phone) Yep.
    
    FREEMONT: I want you to listen very carefully. You have to go to work again. The place is a massage parlor.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Paradise Massage**
    
    WOMAN: (voice only) Why, you lousy cop! Why don't you leave us alone? Why don't you stick to busting jaywalkers?
    
    SIMMONS: Hey, watch it! Or do you want me to shove that box down your throat?
    
    HANSON: Come on, Starsky, he didn't mean it.
    
    POLICE DISPATCHER: Zebra 3, Zebra 3. Come in, please.
    
    HUTCH: Zebra 3 here. Go ahead.
    
    POLICE DISPATCHER: Zebra 3, see Chief Ryan at the Paradise Massage Parlour,
    740 Vinewood.
    
    HUTCH: Zebra 3. We are responding. 
    
    STARSKY: It didn't take long, did it?
    
    HUTCH: Nope.
    
    COPPET: There they are. These are the two guys that did it. They said they're on my payroll for 100 dollars a week, and he's the one that hit me.  Of course, where it doesn't show.
    
    STARSKY: I don't understand any of this.
    
    RYAN: I understand it perfectly well.
    
    COPPET: And he twisted my arms behind me.
    
    HUTCH: Lady, I've never been in your joint before.
    
    COPPET: Look, I run an honest business here. They have no right threatening me, beating me up.
    
    RYAN: Thank you, Miss Coppet. We'll get in touch with you when we need a formal statement.
    
    HUTCH: You don't believe what she said, do you?
    
    RYAN: It's not a matter of believing just her. You've been accused by four separate citizens.
    
    STARSKY: Four citizens? A hooker on drugs, a guy who splits town, goes to Detroit, a lady who needs glasses, and now this classy broad.
    
    COPPET: Hey, who are you calling a broad?
    
    STARSKY: We weren't even in the neighborhood. Wait a second.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    STARSKY: This might give us the break we've been looking for. Whoever it is that's been after us is getting so desperate, this is the first time he hasn't hit in our footsteps.
    
    HUTCH: That's right.
    
    RYAN: Is that a fact?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    RYAN: Mr. Klemp, please.
    
    KLEMP: Yes, sir.
    
    RYAN: Now, this is Mr. Klemp. He owns the typewriter shop next door. Mr. Klemp is not a junkie, not a hooker. He's just a taxpaying citizen.
    
    HUTCH: Excuse me, Chief. Did you hear what Starsky said? We weren't even
    in the neighborhood.
    
    RYAN: Now, does Mr. Klemp look like a liar to you, huh? Does he look like a man who has something to hide, huh? Is there any reason why he should accuse you of anything?
    
    HUTCH: D... Don't you believe what we have to say here?
    
    RYAN: Mr. Klemp, have you seen these two men before?
    
    KLEMP: Mm-hmm. A few hours ago. I was taking out some trash. Before I saw them, I heard a lady scream. Of course, in a place like this, who can tell what goes on? 
    
    RYAN: A woman screamed. 
    
    KLEMP: Uh-hm. And then I saw them come out, get in that car, and drive away. I accidentally bumped into that detective, and he got so mad, I thought he was gonna hit me.
    
    RYAN: Thank you, Mr. Klemp, that's all for now.
    
    STARSKY: It's all so neat, isn't it?
    
    RYAN: Officer, will you get those people inside, please? Now, as of 4:25, you two men are on suspension.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    RYAN: You will turn your gun and shields in to your captain, as per manual.
    
    HUTCH: I think you're really enjoying this.
    
    RYAN: I enjoy the hell out of busting dirty cops.
    
    HUTCH: Dirty cops! Just who the hell are you calling a dirty cop? My partner here has been saying that Chief Ryan is trying to frame us. I say, "No." I say, "He wouldn't do that. He's a good cop. He's an honest cop." Well, I guess I was wrong, wasn't I? 
    
    STARSKY: That man's out to nail us, and I don't know how we stop him.
    
    HUTCH: I got an idea.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: Oscar. If we can get by Ryan's man up at the hospital.
    
    STARSKY: Come on.
    
    
    **Interior – Day - Hospital**
    
    STARSKY: Did you see the look on Sweeny's face when-
    
    HUTCH: Sweeny? You should have seen Smitty. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, look at this.
    
    STARSKY: Oooh, I have seen some… Va va va voom!
    
    HUTCH: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at this.
    
    STARSKY: There's another one. They're all over the place. Howdy.
    
    HUTCH: Hiya, honey. How'd you like to spend a little time with me in intensive care?
    
    NURSE: Something I can do for you?
    
    HUTCH: Did you hear that?
    
    STARSKY: You hear that? Something she can do for us? Well, actually, we're here to see our pal.
    
    HUTCH: That's right.
    
    NURSE: I'm sorry, but it's 10:00, and visiting hours were over at 8:00.
    
    STARSKY: Oh.
    
    HUTCH: Oh.
    
    STARSKY: Well, actually, uh, we've been bowling.
    
    HUTCH: That's right. And we gotta get up tomorrow morning real early, because we're going jackrabbit hunting. So we figured this would be as good a chance as any to come by and see our old buddy.
    
    STARSKY: We just want to cheer him up, let him know the guys at the factory are pulling for him.
    
    HUTCH: You are a good-Iooking woman.
    
    STARSKY: You are. Look at those eyes.
    
    HUTCH: How would you like to split a six-pack with me after work?
    
    NURSE: That won't be necessary. Who's your friend?
    
    STARSKY: He's only the best bowler in the Wildcat League. 
    
    HUTCH: That’s right. 
    
    STARSKY: Oscar Newton. The guys call him Skinny, but ladies don't.
    
    NURSE: Mr. Newton?
    
    HUTCH: Is something wrong?
    
    NURSE: I don't know how to tell you this. Your friend, he passed away an hour ago.
    
    HUTCH: Oh...
    
    STARSKY: Well... I think our team is in a lot of trouble.
    
    HUTCH: Thank you, ma'am.
    
    STARSKY: Thank you, ma'am.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Police Precinct**
    
    STARSKY: Come on. What time is it?
    
    HUTCH: You got the watch.
    
    STARSKY: 7:15.
    
    HUTCH: All right. Dobey should have Ryan at the first tee right about now.
    
    STARSKY: Well?
    
    HUTCH: Well, yourself.
    
    STARSKY: There's no time like the present.
    
    HUTCH: Okay. Come on. Come on. If we get caught, Ryan's going to have you, me and Dobey out walking a beat.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, well, the exercise will probably do him good. Will you hurry up, for crying out loud?
    
    HUTCH: I'm trying. 
    
    STARSKY: And turn that radio down.
    
    HUTCH: Janitor's always got a radio.
    
    STARSKY: Does it have to be classical music?
    
    HUTCH: Come on! Psst! Psst. 
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Ryan’s Office**
    
    HUTCH: Hey, Ryan's got a lot of bills. Unpaid.
    
    STARSKY: Will you turn off that radio?
    
    HUTCH: Sorry.
    
    STARSKY: I'd like to know what he does with all these magazines. Here you are.
    
    HUTCH: Wait a second, why don't you look at these, and I'll look over there. You don't need a lamp. I need it. 
    
    STARSKY: Put it in the middle.
    
    HUTCH: Come on.
    
    STARSKY: Shh.
    
    HUTCH: Nothing.
    
    STARSKY: Shh!
    
    HUTCH: Sorry. Wait a second.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: Look at this.
    
    STARSKY: Hmm?
    
    HUTCH: Judith Coppet.
    
    STARSKY: That's just her police record. That doesn't mean anything.
    
    HUTCH: It proves she's got a criminal record, and it proves that Ryan knows about it. It also gives us reasonable cause to think that maybe Ryan might be exerting pressure on her to lie and to implicate us. How could anybody get a permit to operate a massage parlor with a criminal record like this? What are you doing?
    
    STARSKY: Getting a little legal assistance.
    
    HUTCH: I'll watch the door. Excuse.
    
    FREEMONT: (on phone) Hello.
    
    STARSKY: Sharon, this is David.
    
    FREEMONT: Dave, this is 7:00, Sunday morning.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. Listen, we need some help.
    
    HUTCH: Will you hurry up?
    
    STARSKY: We believe that we have a suspect. A lady with a police record who has been forced to give perjury by a police official.
    
    HUTCH: Hey, come on, come on, come on. Hurry.
    
    STARSKY: What we want from your office is a guarantee that if she cooperates, she'll be granted immunity from prosecution.
    
    FREEMONT: Has she committed any other crimes you know of?
    
    STARSKY: Well, just the perjury, and we feel that that was coerced.
    
    FREEMONT: Okay. Her name?
    
    HUTCH: Starsk, Ryan and Dobey are across the hall.
    
    STARSKY: Judith Coppet, 704 Vinewood. She runs a massage parlour there.
    
    FREEMONT: Okay, when do you need this?
    
    STARSKY: Yesterday.
    
    FREEMONT: All right. I'll get on it. Give me a couple of hours. I have to raise my boss. (end) 
    
    RYAN: Now that you ransacked half my office, why stop now? Hello.
    
    HUTCH: Hello. 
    
    RYAN: Didn't expect me, did you?
    
    HUTCH: Uh-uh. 
    
    STARSKY: Uh, Captain, you were supposed to, uh...
    
    RYAN: Take me golfing, huh? 
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. 
    
    RYAN: So that you two could have a field day.
    
    HUTCH: Uh, Captain... Captain, we, uh, we found, uh… Judy Coppet's police record there next to the, uh...Chief Ryan's ink blotter.
    
    RYAN: Which is probably enough to send me to prison, right?
    
    DOBEY: It was just a bit of a mix-up. I want to talk to you two men.
    
    RYAN: You did enough talking, Harold.
    
    DOBEY: Right, Chief.
    
    RYAN: I imagine explaining to the judge why you needed a search warrant so that these two clowns- Get over here where I can watch you.
    
    HUTCH: Yes, sir.
    
    RYAN: -to break into my office must have been quite a mouthful, huh?
    
    DOBEY: Chief, you know, it's always been your policy to stick with the men.
    
    RYAN: Yeah. Sure, I pulled Judy Coppet's file, and a lot of others, after we had that little talk in front of the massage parlor last night.
    
    HUTCH: You mean you weren't trying to frame us?
    
    DOBEY: Why would the chief of detectives frame two sergeants? What's the matter with you, Hutchinson?
    
    STARSKY: Well, somebody's trying to frame us.
    
    RYAN: Does the name Ronstan mean anything to you?
    
    STARSKY: Ronstan? Ronstan… Oh, you mean that case of indecent exposure? Oh, we're supposed to testify on that next week… Oh, come on. You don't mean that...? You don't mean that some kid who's a flasher, just some college kid, is...?
    
    RYAN: A college kid whose father happens to head the largest law firm on the West Coast. A father who has hopes of seeing his son serving Congress, and maybe more. You know, a kid with a morals charge can hardly get off the ground.
    
    HUTCH: Well, Chief, Ronstan couldn't have done it by himself.
    
    RYAN:  He didn't. He had a contact within the city's Justice Department.
    
    HUTCH: Sharon Freemont?
    
    RYAN: That's right.
    
    RYAN: Ronstan Sr. Gave me a complete statement a little before midnight  ast night.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, my God. I just spoke to her and asked her for immunity for Judith Coppet.
    
    RYAN: You just signed that woman's death warrant.
    
    STARSKY: Call Judith Coppet. Tell her to get out of that massage parlor. Hutch and I'll be there in five minutes.
    
    
    **Interior – Day - Motel**
    
    HANSON: Yeah.
    
    FREEMONT: Judy Coppet, over at the massage parlour, either she's dead before the hour is up, or we're all spending a very long time in prison.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Paradise Massage & City Streets**
    
    (Car chase ensues.)
    
    HUTCH: Zebra 3 to Central. Watch it.
    
    POLICE DISPATCHER: Go ahead, Zebra 3.
    
    HUTCH: We're going east on Riverside, in pursuit of a red Torino with a white stripe.
    
    POLICE DISPATCHER: Got it, Zebra 3. A red Tori- Wait a minute, Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: A red Tori- You heard me. Just broadcast it, will you? We are heading south on Kensington. Call all black and whites in the area and tell them to be careful.
    
    POLICE DISPATCHER: But, Hutch, the red Torino with a white stripe, that's Starsky's car.
    
    STARSKY: Remind them that the bad guys are in the other car.
    
    HUTCH: The bad guys are in the other car.
    
    STARSKY: In the first car.
    
    HUTCH: I know they're in the first car. We wouldn’t be chasing-
    
    STARSKY: But they don't know that they're in the first car. Tell them, please. 
    
    HUTCH: The bad guys are in the first car. 
    
    STARSKY: And we're in the second car.
    
    SIMMONS: Aah!
    
    HUTCH: Drop it!
    
    STARSKY: Hey. Where are you from? Get down.
    
    PATROL OFFICER: Anybody else?
    
    STARSKY: Just the two of them.
    
    PATROL OFFICER: This guy looks like you, Starsky.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah?
    
    POLICE OFFICER: Hey, Hutch, he could be your brother.
    
    HUTCH: I don't have a brother. 
    
    STARSKY: Book them, will you? Hey, you know something? That guy does look like you.
    
    HUTCH: No, he doesn't.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: He bleaches his hair. It's also parted on the wrong side. The other guy looks like you, though.
    
    STARSKY: No?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    STARSKY: I'm much better looking.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, I don't think so.
    
    STARSKY: No?
    
    HUTCH: No.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Starsky’s Apartment**
    
    STARSKY: (sings) Blueberry hill… 
    
    HUTCH: She must have been an owl.
    
    STARSKY: My records are gone. Where are my records? Oh, the cleaning lady must have moved them.
    
    HUTCH: Are you sure the cleaning lady was in today?
    
    STARSKY: She called me at the station. She said, "Your Fats Domino record has finally come."
    
    HUTCH: Another big fan.
    
    STARSKY: Hey. Hey. When I was a kid, that fat man was king. Now, where are they?
    
    HUTCH: I don't know. Starsk.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: Starsk. Starsk.
    
    STARSKY: What?
    
    HUTCH: The thrill is gone. So is your Playboy collection.
    
    STARSKY: Hmm?
    
    HUTCH: You've been robbed. It looks like your bedroom window there has been pried open.
    
    STARSKY: My bedroom window's been what?
    
    HUTCH: Pried open.
    
    STARSKY: I've been waiting six months for that Fats Domino album, and now you're trying to tell me that my- My bedroom window's been pried open. I'm going to call the station and get the lab...
    
    HUTCH: Hey, hey. Not for a lousy set of centerfolds and a Fats Domino record.
    
    STARSKY: You don't understand. I've been robbed.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky, get a hold of yourself.
    
    STARSKY: But somebody broke into my house and-
    
    HUTCH: Will you calm down? Just calm down. You've been victimised. Now, we deal with these things every day. People all over the world are getting robbed every day.
    
    STARSKY: Uh, you know that tennis racket you loaned me?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, that's better.
    
    STARSKY: That's gone, too.
    
    HUTCH: Where's your phone?
    
    END


End file.
